Lovers’ Guide to the Solar Eclipse

ADVANCE PREPARATION:

• Book an Airbnb in Portland, Oregon with a rooftop deck.
• Order at least one pair of NASA-recommended eyewear. Look for certification information with a designated ISO 12312-2 international standard. (Sorry Flashdance fans, word from sciencey types is that welders’ masks aren’t safe enough.)
• Make a pinhole projector. Depending on your choreography, it might come in handy.
• Get your body and the body of someone you like to fuck to Portland. (Or play solo.)

MONDAY, AUGUST 21, 2017

• Before 9:00 a.m., take care of any preferred pre-sex activities. Breakfast or fasting, bathing or sweating. Dressing or stripping. Consider meditation. Any last minute phone calls? Set up a camera or two. Put out some snacks, toys & condoms. Don’t forget a clock–there’s a schedule to maintain. Above all, hydrate, unless your kink is migraines.
• 9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. This is your opportunity for foreplay. Zip, clutch, lick, yank, probe. You know what you like. Pace yourselves.
• Whoever is facing the sun, keep that eyewear on!
• Have you envisioned coming as an uncontrollable darkness overtakes the morning sky? If so, edge towards 10:19am. That’s the maximum eclipse. If you’re a quiet type, when the moment arrives, listen. Legend has it, the sun sings a sonnet to the moon as it passes.

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Photo: Public Domain | Used under CC0 1.0