How to Date a Hipster

Grab the hair on his jaws and pull him to your face.

If he smells tangy, you know he’s been with her. Imagine his face between her legs, his hairy chin pressing at her wettest hole, his tongue doing what tongues do at her clit. Licking. Tasting. Thrashing. This makes you want him more.

If he smells soapy, you know he’s hiding something. C’est la vie.

If he smells musky, like he opened that forty-dollar bottle of eau de pine his sister gave him last Christmas, you know he’s trying to be your sweetheart.

Tell him, “The first man who ever went down on me had a beard.”

Tell him, “Best way to avoid razor burn is to choose a mate who already has a luscious face of hair.”

Tell him, “I thought a hobo was burling towards me–”

“Burling’s not a word,” he’ll say, trying to unbutton your jeans. Let him, but keep talking.

Say, “Burling. It means walking in a burly fashion.”

“Nope. Not a word.”

“Yep. I thought a hobo was burling towards me, but it was just a J.D. Salinger fan who forgot his hat.”

“That makes no sense.” His hands reach into your undone jeans and paw your naked bum.

“You guys with the beards, you’ve got the social order all topsy-turvy. Once upon a time a girl could tell the hobos from the postgrads, the hippies from the jocks.”

When he slides the denim down past your hips, your thighs, your calves, stop talking. Step out of your pants, sit down and spread your legs for him. Let that hair on his chin tickle your every private inch, your shiny-most play parts. Make him lick you until all that hair is wet.

Call him Grizzly Adams. Call him Lumber Jack. Call him King of the Forest. Keep calling him woolly names until he bends you over his lap and spanks your bare ass.

Ask him to slide a dildo into your cunt while he spanks you. If this offends him, he’s posing in that beard. Tell him, “Don’t be a poser.”

Tell him, “Smack me with the easy end of your belt.”

Finger your clit while he figures out what he’s going to do next. Be patient with his indecision. He’s softer than he looks.

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Photo credit: Stranger #62 by Ben Raynal | Used under CC by NC 2.0—modified to obscure the subject’s identity.

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